Truth is, no one writes a book about how life should be after a loved one passes away so suddenly. My family and I are learning. Key word: learning. I am definitely still learning and searching for answers. I am thankful for my faith that continually gets me through the random days when my emotion hits me & completely takes over.
It's hard to find words at this moment, as I type. Ironically, when I'm running and it's just me, my music and the pavement I often find myself reflecting about Chris, his family, my sister, his children, his parents and so much more about life that has transpired in the two years since his passing. I find myself wishing I could voice record my thoughts while I'm running for this exact reason---that right now I can't find all my words---so I'll do the best I can.
I came across this quote inside the "Just Because" quote book I based a recent Bella workshop off of and connected with it so much that it brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.
The truth in it is real. So very real.
And for me personally it's two fold in that it reflects on losing Chris, in addition to rejoicing in my favorite hobby that I have turned into a career. Scrapbooking allows me to document the memories of which God has blessed me with, both of the people currently in my life and of those that have passed away.
The past two years have been tough. They still are for me as I cope with Chris's memory and how I wish he was still here. For a person with deep-rooted faith I find myself (sometimes) daily struggling with the idea that he is not here. I find myself wishing for him.
These three "little people" (as I like to call them) are my favorite. They are the window to his memory and the key to his legacy here on earth.
I love them. I love them so much ....
and now I sit here, typing.....crying....and wishing again that Chris was still here. I know he is listening and watching and enjoying the room that is now his in heaven; but I can't help but wish for these three little peeps that his arms were here to wrap around them. I continue to do my best to be the auntie that they love, to remind them of their resemblance of daddy and to be a positive role model that they always feel like that can approach and talk to--now or in the future.
In the 2 years I have been able to scrapbook about him, tell stories, give hugs to comfort those, say countless prayers and even teach a workshop (IU 2012) in his loving memory. I am still learning about finding peace, accepting others and mostly---I am learning how to be a mommy by observing and talking with this amazing woman, my sister:
I know that she is strong. I know that she is beautiful. I know that she faithful.
I pray for her nearly every single night to know that it's okay to cry. To know that it's okay to feel scared or sad. To know that it's okay to be human when she appears (at least to me) to be superhuman. And while I never wish for her to be sad or unhappy, I want her to know it's o.k.a.y if she is. She is allowed to be, whenever she wants, whether in public or in private.
And as the days, months and years continue passing us by I will never forget Chris's LOVE and PRIDE for his family including his wife and his little kiddos. They will always be "little people" to me. Thanks to you Chris, they will be part of my life forever. You would have been there standing next to Steven as a groomsman in our wedding--you are the piece of the puzzle that will (physically) be missing that day, but we know you never missed a party & that you'll be there in spirit.
I love you Chris.
On a lighter, side note over at Bella Blvd all-day we are celebrating World Cardmaking Day. There's never-seen-before card creations by the new DT, giveaways and fun going on for fourteen hours straight. Be sure to stop by and join us!